Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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