Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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