I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
