I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
