you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
