U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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