yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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