i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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