I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
