every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
