I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
