Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
