He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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