It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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