Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Im part way to drunk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
