Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
