so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
