meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
