is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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