Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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