Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
