The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
