I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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