My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
