god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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