Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam š
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I mean, heās listed as āAndrew DC Threesomeā in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
