Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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