its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
