i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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