My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
