im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
