Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
