Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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