Will you blow on my dice?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
