The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
