my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
