Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
