She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
