well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
