i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
