im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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