ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
