the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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