someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
