When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
