She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
