I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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