i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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