By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
