Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
