Sry I called you an 8
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
