I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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