Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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